You Can’t See?

You have hidden their heart from understanding? I’d felt betrayed by so many, now I felt betrayed by my own Father.

Advertisements

I gazed upon a sunset one humid summer evening. I quickly took my phone out of my pocket and pressed the camera button to take a picture. A message popped up on the screen. It said my battery was low and the flash wouldn’t work. I pressed “cancel”. I didn’t need the flash to capture this beautiful pink sunset. I took the picture but it didn’t capture the true beauty; it was so dim. I took several more pictures but to no avail. I couldn’t capture the reality of what I saw and nor could I share it with others for them to see what I saw.

Several years ago I experienced what I found to be something with a name: spiritual abuse. I recall speaking with a few trusted individuals explaining to them what was going on. No one I confided in seemed to understand; only the few of us that were longing to be understood. How we longed for someone on the outside to hear us.

20180927_141556

I struggled with this. I vividly recall crying out, “Lord, why doesn’t anyone understand?” I prayed. I cried. I asked God to lead me in His Word. Just something! Anything!

In my final, lonely plea that night, I opened the Bible and my eyes fell upon Job 17:4 (a) NKJV. My heart split as I read the words, “For You have hidden their heart from understanding”. In that moment I was truly broken. This is why my cries fell on deaf ears all along?

You? You have hidden their heart from understanding? I’d felt betrayed by so many, now I felt betrayed by my own Father. Why Lord? Why?

After a minute, I put my Bible down on the couch. Weeping, I dropped to my knees. Once I was ready to listen, He spoke to me. “You listened to men all along instead of listening to Me. That’s why you’re in this position. Why do you feel the need for men to understand you?”

Ouch! My Father spoke the truth.

20180927_141609
The notes mid-page came from a website I found on spiritual abuse.

Sometimes we feel totally alone in our suffering. We can’t find one that understands. Even if others are going through it, it seems you’re always searching for someone to tell you it’s really real. Or maybe we’re searching for someone to fix it or make it go away. We oftentimes search among men looking for answers when we really need to search for God through His Word.

In this situation fear was instilled within by the twisting of Scriptures. I was fearful to even speak of it- fearful because “the verbal warning” flashed over and over in my mind, “Don’t disagree with an anointed man of God,” and other familiar lines, boasting of their “authority”, followed by what the Lord would do to us if we did. (Again, the internet was my friend as I searched phrases, finding again, there is nothing new under the sun. Abusive authority in the church seem to have their own personal guidebook with these familiar quotes.)

20180927_141619

I think that was what was so difficult. Once I got the courage up to tell someone what was going on, they didn’t get it. It’s not always because they don’t want to. It’s because their understanding has been hidden. We, as humans, feel we need someone that’s tangible to be there to tell us what to do. How to escape the situation. We feel the need to be understood. Someone to tell us we’re not crazy. This can make you feel as if you’ve lost your mind, your salvation, your security, even your family in Christ.

2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

I learned that our Father is fully capable to supply the need we long for. He’s there. He sees the fear, the hurt, the pain. He understands and I finally realized He was the only One that could help me. He’s still helping me. He gives me the strength to break the silence of spiritual abuse.

Another thing He helped me realize is that I didn’t “Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman who needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” 2 Timothy 2:15

Relating this to the picture I took, I was unable to display the full color of what I was going through. The message on the screen warned that the flash wouldn’t work. God said He wasn’t going to enlighten everyone with the truth of this situation. My battery was low. I canceled the warning yet still expected for others to see what I was seeing.

20180927_141724
Just my thoughts I wrote down

I actually wrote this post years ago, but as I edited it today, such sorrow struck my heart. I know I must remember to be thankful for this situation I went through. I dug in to God’s Word, my guidebook– the Holy Bible, deeper than I’d ever dug before. I don’t blame Him- I thank Him.

**Please keep in mind this doesn’t happen everywhere, but it does happen and it’s something that isn’t widely discussed. I’m only sharing a piece of the experience I had, which was totally unexpected, yet nothing surprises the Lord. Matthew 4:1-11 tells us that the devil knows Scripture and used it to try to tempt Jesus. Jesus quoted it right back to him and the devil left Him.

This may help you better understand an earlier post I wrote. Click here to read “The Brick Wall”

Thank you for reading and God bless!

 

 

 

 

What happened to the AC

20180814_131921Last fall, while it was still a little too warm for us folks that are spoiled to having air conditioning in our vehicles, my car vents began to only blow heat. Jason decided to have it looked at by a mechanic at an automotive shop. Long story short, it would be $600 to have it fixed. On the diagnosis slip was a side note in all caps: CLEAN OUT THE GLOVEBOX!!! A lot of the stuff in it had fallen out behind it and caused it to mess up. Napkins, forks, straws and some papers were removed by the mechanic. My justification- my Dad has always taught us to be prepared. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve gone through a drive-thru and someone didn’t get a straw? How many times I’ve had to blow my nose on those valuable napkins? How many times that chili cheese hot dog has come without a fork? My famous words, “Look in the glove box” have suddenly become bad words.

I thought that was a lot of money to pay in the fall of the year for some air conditioning. Thankfully, Jason (my husband), just happens to know a guy that works on cars. His girlfriend knows a pretty good bit too. (There’s you some recognition Brandy [insert smiley face].) Anyhow, he looked around and told us what was going on. If you reach up in behind the glove box, there’s a little bar. You push it back, you have air. You pull it forward, you have heat. I had some sticky tack (again, preparedness), the kind teachers used to use to hang things on the wall in their classroom, so I decided I’d stick that back there on that bar to hold it back. I think it was around $60 for a diagnosis and for someone to tell me I need to clean out my glove box. In my mind, this solution would do.

Fast forward almost a year- the day before yesterday to be exact. I was in the car and the air conditioner stopped, then came back on. A few minutes later it stopped completely. Even though it was a different situation, first thing I did was reach for that bar. The sticky tack was holding strong so then my second thought was maybe it’s a fuse. My third thought- man, it’s hot. When I got home I started searching online. I was in the glove box looking around, then I popped the hood (like I was going to do something). Jason came out to the car and started checking fuses. I told him maybe it was the blower motor. After all, I watched a video. He said he hated when I started acting like I was a mechanic. Haha

Later I went out to my parents’ house. My Dad got his testing kit out. I told him what I saw on the video so we unplugged the motor and he tested it. Only thing was, I quit watching the video when I saw you had to have a testing kit. I thanked my Dad and came back home. Jason called the guy that he knows that works on vehicles and he came the next morning. He took the blower motor off and you’ll never guess what was in it. A napkin and a fork. That was the wrong  place to set the table. I suddenly had a flashback to those capital letters that I took offense to almost a year ago: CLEAN OUT THE GLOVE BOX!!! The next words from my mouth after “oooh noooo,” were, “Don’t tell Jason about this.” For the price of the motor I could have some nice cloth napkins and some sturdy silverware that wouldn’t easily be sucked up in to the motor.

Later in the day Jason called and asked if I had AC in the car. I said, “Yes. And you’ll never guess what caused it.” I proceeded to tell him about the napkin and fork. I think he might have said, “Priscilla!” but he didn’t give me a hard time about it and I was glad (and I never said a word about that dirt on the floor I wrote about yesterday haha).

Proverbs 1:7 KJV says, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” If I turned this around spiritually, I think that verse sounds fitting for this hot little situation I found myself in, don’t you?

I’m all about being prepared, yet I need to make sure I store what I have properly- such as in a plastic container. With a lid. Not in the glove box. I’m all about someone giving me advice but I’m afraid pride set in there when I saw those capital letters. I am really stubborn and that’s not always a good thing. I NEED instruction. If only I had listened, but I didn’t and it cost us. Again, affecting more than just me.

It doesn’t really matter how the advice in all caps about cleaning the glove box out was given. It was instruction and I didn’t want to hear it because it was telling me I was wrong. It’s not that I feared the mechanic, yet my rebellious self didn’t like the way it was said. Instead of wanting to be ashamed, hearing I was wrong or being told what to do, I thought, “What does he know?” and “How dare him tell me to clean something out like that!”

Maybe that’s how people think of the Lord. That He’s some kind of Creator that just wants to tell us what to do or put us to shame. That’s totally wrong. He wants us to listen and learn. He wants us to gain wisdom and welcome instruction. It’s to help us so we can have the best He has to offer. It’s to keep us from having problems down the road of life. It is to protect us from going to an eternal place that is too hot (with no AC). It is because He loves us.

Thanks for reading!